Ted Greenberg's The Complete Performer

Starring Emmy Award winning Letterman writer, Ted Greenberg!

Brown Bagging It In Style

Categories: Latest News
Posted: August 30, 2012

Mercedes-Benz Fashion Week opens next week in New York, running September 6 through 13. Mascot Greenberg and I will have some fashion tips that you won’t want to miss during Fashion Week. We, though, were intrigued by this article in the New York Daily News. It seems design house Jil Sander is now selling a brown bag clutch for $290. The price certainly gave us sticker shock, but the Mascot and I were more flummoxed at the idea that the bag is selling out! That’s right, Jil Sander cannot keep it on the shelves.
The first thing I thought was that I should charge more for the Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer thong (pictured below). Way more. Perhaps then every one would want one! So a word to the wise, get the thongs now while they are only $15. Next week, they may be $105.
Ted Greenberg's The Complete Performer thong
Then, I wondered, what would a $290 brown paper bag-inspired clutch be used for? Given this version is a little more upscale (not just in price) than the kind you buy at Gristedes. It has some stitching on the seams and metal vents. And, there is a black leather version that retails for $630. So what can a precious bag like this carry?
#5 Lunch — Bring your sandwich and chips or soup to the office in style. The only drawback is that the bag screams “I do not need a raise.” That’s right your boss and co-workers will think you have too much cash on hand if you spend nearly three Benjamins on a designer brown paper bag.
#4 Doggy Bag — Take this bag with you to a Michelin-starred restaurant, and when you cannot finish your meal, you have the perfect doggy bag. Daniel Boulud’s food deserves such a spendy vessel, right?
#3 Ripen fruit — It’s a long held fact that if you throw fruit in a brown paper bag, the fruit will ripen quicker. Pull out those mangoes, and in a day or two they will be ready to eat. And, bonus, your bag will have the lovely mango aroma.
#2 Sneak popcorn into the movie theater — Ushers will easily be fooled by your glamorous bag. There’s no way they will suspect that someone who can afford a $290 brown paper bag will sneak popcorn or other goodies into the theater to see the latest blockbuster. Pop the popcorn yourself or buy some of the delicious brands now on offer at your local supermarket. BOOMCHICKAPOP is one of my favorites.
#1 Wrapping Paper — Sure, you could buy that nice stuff with paisley or other cute designs at Papyrus or Paper Accessory (one of my favorite downtown stores), but using a $290 bag (or heck upgrade to the black leather one) will really show you care. Put that $50 gift you got your friend or girlfriend or sister in this bag, and you will be a hit at her party.
Don’t forget to check back with us next week as The Mascot and I will unveil the fashion tips that have kept us looking dapper for years. And, let us know what you plan to do with your Jil Sander bag.

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