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Comedian Evaluates 2012 Resolutions for Rosh Hashanah

Categories: Latest News
Posted: September 17, 2012

Last night through tomorrow, Jews around the world celebrate the holiday Rosh Hashanah, which is essentially the Jewish New Year. Since I made 12 resolutions to start 2012, I thought today would be the perfect time to reflect on my success rate. As a Jew and a human, I like to hedge my bets…picking both New Year’s — the secular one and Jewish one — to help rev up my resolutions.
Here are the resolutions I laid out last December, and how I’ve fared in bold text.
#1 Stay positive in traffic court. This one is hard. How exactly does one judge positivity? I’ll remember this for next year when making my resolutions. I need to be more concrete.
#2 Play more top-10 radio. With the collection of hits this year from One Direction, Pink and Jason Mraz, I’ve passed this one with flying colors.
One Direction
The guys of One Direction
#3 Get 3 stars before moving to the next level in Angry Birds. Another one down. I’m getting better and better at this pointless game.
#4 Zero hit-and-runs (except cyclists – Kidding!). The year isn’t over yet. Let’s see what the next three months hold.
#5 Ease off Gummy candies. On this point, I have failed. And failed badly. Gummy candies are just too alluring. Damn you Gummy candies.
Gummy Candies

#6 Avoid paparazzi – i.e, no accidents that make traffic reports (not kidding) So far. So good. Thank goodness.

THIS YEAR (at least once!)
#7 While crossing 59th Street Bridge, sing 59th Street Bridge song (aka “Feeling Groovy” by Simon & Garfunkel!). This hasn’t happened yet, but I did sing “New York, New York” while crossing the Manhattan Bridge. Does that count?
#8 See Wicked on Broadway. I’ve still got 100+ days to get this one done. I will. I love musicals about girl empowerment.
#9 Travel to Staten Island (if customer insists). No one has asked me to just yet, but I’m willing. So I’m going to count this one in my favor.
#10 Use Shake Weights. I have not been up late enough to see the informercial for these. Thus, I have not bought them yet. I’ve valued my beauty sleep, but I will get on this. Promise.
#11 Shave, clip nails, and deodorize only at red lights. Guilty as charged. I did clip at a yellow once this year. I must put this one on next year’s list since I failed.
12 When tourists ask for Trump Park, take them to Zuccotti Park instead. And today would be perfect for this since it’s the year anniversary of Occupy Wall Street. Otherwise, tourists would be very befuddled by the trip.
When I made my resolutions, I asked my blog readers to make one too: to see my weekly comedy show Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer, A Mostly One-Man Comedy Show. The real question is have you met your resolution? If not, I’m on stage every Saturday night at 10:00 pm at SoHo Playhouse in downtown Manhattan. You can get your tickets here.

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