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Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: January 19, 2012

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As a sometime cab driver and all-the-time Off-Broadway phenom, I kind of know everything about urban transportation. Now that livery cabs can make pickups in Manhattan, yellow taxis will need to be more flexible about services they offer.

Here are 5 ways to use a yellow cab that may not have occurred to you:

#1) MOVING TRUCK. My meter ran for 5 continuous hours moving a family from Harlem to Brooklyn. We did 3 trips in 4 hours. Try to stick to foldable items like rugs, sheets, towels, window treatments,and small children.

#2) TOUR BUS. I’ve often been commandeered for the day to point out sites. Best tour ever? A sampling of New York City’s best hot dogs. The winner? Gray’s Papaya.

#3) GETAWAY CAR. I’m not saying rob banks, but yellows will park and poise for fast retreats from in-laws or clingy house guests.

#4) MOBILE LOVE SHACK. Many summers ago I circled Central Park 5 times to provide my backseat couple a romantic tryst. I got a huge tip. But the better tip came a year later when they hailed me again – this time with the infant they conceived in my cab.

#5 PIMPMOBILE. Or like the Mascot, use a cab to woo the opposite sex – whatever that is!

Tags: Brooklyn, getaway car, Gray's Papaya, Harlem, Manhattan, mobile love shack, moving truck, Off-Broadway, pimpmobile, Ted Greenberg's The Complete Performer, tour bus

Traffic and Road Tips from a New York City Cabbie-Comedian

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: January 12, 2012

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TAXI TIP THURSDAY:

Many years ago I ran out of gas on the Queensboro Bridge. I was stuck mid-bridge over the East River for four hours and was cited by 1010 WINS radio in its traffic report. While I was listening, I looked overhead and saw the news helicopter.

Here are some time-tested tips to avoid roadside despair and get you back in the fast lane.

#1) Gas up and outside Manhattan if you can (cheaper!). If you need gas in town, my choice is Chelsea Mobil on 14th street and 10th Avenue. It’s a large facility with plenty of pumps.

#2) Avoid highways except for really long trips.

In case of problems, streets offer a turnoff at every block. Highways may box you in for miles.

#3) Expensive water crossings are usually worth the price. The Brooklyn Battery Tunnel beats the Brooklyn Bridge almost every time.

#4) Avoid narrow streets in favor of wide ones. Driving a couple of blocks out of your way is a price worth paying to sidestep garbage trucks and moving vans.

#5) Clean your car at Broadway Hand Car Wash in Washington Heights. It’s one of the few full service Manhattan car washes that vacuum your interior.

Tags: 1010 WINS, Broadway Hand Car Wash, Brooklyn Battery Tunnel, Brooklyn Bridge, cabbie, Manhattan, New York City, Queensboro Bridge, Taxi Tip Thursday, Ted Greenberg, The Complete Performer

Comedian-Cabbie Ted Greenberg Ranks Top 2011 Cab Rides

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: January 5, 2012

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TAXI THURSDAY: FAVORITE CAB RIDES FROM 2011

My mascot and I drove dozens home from the show last year. There were no bad rides. Here were my 5 favorite taxi rides of 2011.

1) Latvian New Year.
It was the dawn of 2011. I was young. He was Latvian. But spoke fluent Polish – the language of taxi lust.

2) Peltzer’s Saturday at the Fat Cat Club
I put the saddle & paddle on the Peltzers – drove’em to my favorite ping-pong club.

3) Mascot’s Night Out
I escorted winners to Sea in the Meatpacking District then the Mascot “saw” some serious meatpacking action.

4) I Fought the Law, and the Law Won.
I got stuck with a $115 parking ticket after a certain big head double parked. I’m no scofflaw. I paid the ticket AND comped the officer to the next show.

5) Merchants Cigar Bar.
I lit up with this smokin’ French hottie!

Tags: Fat Cat Club, Latvian New Year, Mascot Greenberg, Meatpacking District, Merchants Cigar Bar, New York, Sea, Ted Greenberg

Cabbie Ted Greenberg Makes His Resolutions for 2012

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 29, 2011

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TAXI TIP THURSDAY: CABBIE RESOLUTIONS

To take a break from my role as Ted Greenberg, Off-Broadway hero, occasionally I take the wheel of a yellow cab.

Here are my cabbie resolutions for the 2012 New Year:

GENERAL/OVERALL

#1 Stay positive in traffic court.

#2 Play more top-10 radio.

#3 Get 3 stars before moving to the next level in Angry Birds.

#4 Zero hit-and-runs (except cyclists – Kidding!).

#5 Ease off Gummy candies.

#6 Avoid paparazzi – i.e, no accidents that make traffic reports (not kidding)

THIS YEAR (at least once!)

#7 While crossing 59th Street Bridge, sing 59th Street Bridge song (aka “Feeling Groovy” by Simon & Garfunkel!) .

#8 See Wicked on Broadway.

#9 Travel to Staten Island (if customer insists).

DAILY

#10 Use Shake Weights.

#11 Shave, clip nails, and deodorize only at red lights.

AS IT ARISES

#12 When tourists ask for Trump Park, take them to Zuccotti Park instead.

May your ride in the new year be safe and enjoyable. And make one of your resolutions to see Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer, A Mostly One-Man Comedy Show.

Any questions? I love’em.

Any resolutions? Send them along. Favorite resolution wins 2 tickets to the show.

Check back next Thursday for more taxi info and tips.

Tags: 2012 resolutions, Angry Birds, Off-Broadway hero, paparazzi, Simon & Garfunkel, Staten Island, Ted Greenberg, The Complete Performer, top-10 radio, yellow cab, Zuccotti Park

Taxi Tip Thursday: Share a New York City Cab This Holiday Season

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 22, 2011

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TAXI TIP THURSDAY: Cab Sharing

In my spare time as Ted Greenberg, Off-Broadway comedy delight, I drive a New York City cab. This holiday season when cabs are scarce, try sharing. It saves money and frustration – and, the extra bodies will absorb shock in case of collision.

Here are some tips:

FINDING A FELLOW RIDER

If no sharing stations are in sight, scout partners on your own. Look for signs of money; a Marc Jacobs bag, Mark Jacobs himself, or even better, Uma Thurman; avoid police officers and anyone else who might be carrying pepper spray.

THE APPROACH

If you see someone you want to ride with, be direct. Grab them by the shoulders, say, “Clear eyes, full hearts can’t lose” and ”Upper West Side!” If they motion to flee, show them this blog post.

BACK-SEAT RAPPORT

Once you hail a cab, don’t tell anyone your social security number, no matter how much you want to or how many guns they are pointing at you. If things get hairy back there, remember under the driver’s seat is usually a baseball bat.

AWKWARD SMALL TALK

If a person is jabbering about one thing or the other, it’s ok to say, “Driver would you please pull over? “ And push them out of the car.

And finally:

PRICE NEGOTIATION

The best tactic is to get out at your stop, wish them a Merry Christmas, and yell “I’ll get the next one!”

Tags: "Full hearts, cab sharing, cabcorner.com, clear eyes can't lose", holiday season, holidays, Marc Jacobs, New York City, Ted Greenberg, The Complete Performer, Uma Thurman, Upper West Side

All Ted Greenberg Wants for Christmas

Categories: Comedy Shows,Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 19, 2011

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On Saturday, December 24th, children around the world will keep their eyes peeled for Santa Claus — aka Pere Noel, Pai Natal, Father Christmas, Kanakaloka or Papå Noel – and his nine reindeers.

And, I will too. I’ve made my list and checked it twice. I’m not sure if I’ve been naughty or nice, but I still visited the big guy to let him know what I hope to find on Christmas morning.

Ted Greenberg’s Christmas List:

(1) Alter-G G-Trainer Anti-Gravity Treadmill — Using NASA technology, the Alter-G is the rocket scientist of training machines. Running on it makes you feel like Superman — lighter than air, actually — since it allows you to adjust your weight. I hear that the Rudolph, Donner, Comet and the other reindeers train all year on Alter-Gs in the North Pole; it’s the only way they can be in shape to make all the deliveries on Christmas night.

(2) Taxi Cab Ornament — This adorable New York taxi ornament would look perfect hung around the rearview mirror of the cab I drive every Saturday night after I perform my Off-Broadway comedy show, The Complete Performer. It’s retro and glittery.

(3) Knicks Basketball Tickets — I’ve sorely missed professional basketball since the strike began, but I’m thrilled that my favorite team is back in action just in time for Christmas. Now, if I could just get my hands on some courtside tickets to cheer for Carmelo Anthony.

(4) Trident Layers Gum — I completely understand why people want to be paid in Trident Layers Gum. It is delicious, complex and perfect for those who cannot decide whether they prefer CoolMint or MelonFresco. Instead, you can enjoy them together.

(5) Sold Out Show — I’d love to see have a full house for my Christmas Eve show at 10pm at SoHo Playhouse. Let’s be on the lookout for Santa together. Buy tickets here.

Let me know what you’ve asked for Christmas. I love to hear what other people want!

Tags: Alter-G G-Trainer Anti-Gravity Treadmill, Carmelo Anthony, Christmas, Christmas Eve, Father Christmas, Kanakaloka, New York City taxi, New York Knicks, North Pole, Off-Broadway comed show, Pai Natal, Papa Noel, Pere Noel, reindeers, Santa Claus, taxi cab, Ted Greenberg, Ted Greenberg's Christmas List, The Complete Performer, Trident Layers gum

Taxi Tip Thursday: How To Hail a NYC Cab During the Holidays

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 15, 2011

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TAXI TIP: HOLIDAY HAILING

In my spare time as Ted Greenberg, Off-Broadway comedy superstar, I drive a New York City cab. When holiday cab hailing poses a challenge, follow these tips and you’ll be on your way to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree or your favorite destination in a New York minute.

TAKE IT TO THE TARGET. While hailing with one hand and waving a $100 bill with the other, run into traffic shouting “I’m an enormous tipper.”

TEAM WORK. One of your group hails. The other diverts other hailers– i.e, puts on a Santa costume and invites the other hailers to join in Christmas caroling. No friends to help out? Grab a homeless guy for Santa duty. Or perhaps, my Mascot (seen in the video below) will be available.

SURPRISE ATTACK FROM THE SKY. Your partner hails. You take an aerial position on a second floor balcony or awning. At a red light ambush your prey by jumping from above. While splayed across the windshield, yell “Unlock the doors you elusive bastard” while your partner (aka good cop) daintily enters. To clear the air, apologize in broken English and point to a Michelin guide book.

TAXI SURROGATES! If after 24 hours, cab hailing fails – try these back-up plans:

– Collapse on the street and ask onlookers to call 911 for an EMERGENCY MEDICAL VEHICLE.

– If after 1 hour above doesn’t work, light yourself on fire and ask onlookers to call 911 for a FIRE TRUCK.

– PEDICABS (aka Flintstone cabs) are loosely regulated and therefore ideal for large groups (they take up to 99 passengers). Essentially HAIL–able buses. Pedicab drivers welcome an aerobic challenge.

– OTHER PEDESTRIANS are piggybackable! Target large parents. That Snuggie is your backseat.

– HOT DOG VENDOR CARTS are a movable feast and tailor made for downhill routes.

– BICYCLE MESSENGERS. Just hop on! Best case, a cab hits the bike and you can take that cab.

And remember, however you catch that ride, tell the driver one stop will be Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer, a mostly one-man comedy show.

Any questions, I love’em.

Any cab hailing suggestions? Send them along. Favorite suggestion wins 2 free tickets to the show.

Check back next week for another Taxi Tip Thursday.

Tags: $100 bill, Bicycle Messenger, Christmas, Christmas caroling, Comedian, Comedy Show, Fire truck, Funny show, hailing a cab, holidays, Hot Dog Vendor, Michelin Guide, New York City, Off Broadway Comedy Show, Off Broadway theatre, Off-Broadway, pedicabs, Santa, Snuggie, taxi cab, Taxi Tip Thursday, Ted Greenberg, The Complete Performer

How This Cabbie Comic Celebrated His Birthday

Categories: Comedy Shows,Off-Broadway Shows,Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 12, 2011

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Been there. Done that. By the time you reach a certain distinguished age like me, you’ve celebrated your birthday in every possible way.

Scaling the Himalayas. Check. Parasailing in Hawaii. Naturally. Shooting under 80 at Augusta National. Left handed! Line dancing in Utah. Yep, done that too.

12th hole at Augusta National

This year, I rang in my birthday in the best possible way. On Saturday, December 10th, I took to the stage at the SoHo Playhouse in my beloved hometown, New York City, for the 173rd performance of Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer. The Mascot and I loved every moment entertaining the capacity crowd, which included Kenny Kramer (known for being the inspiration for the Kramer character on Seinfeld). We were met with lots of laughter and cheers. But, I swear I wore the largest smile of anyone in the theater.

I love performing this show every Saturday night at 10:00 pm and driving one lucky audience group home in a yellow New York City cab. It beats celebrating with Grace Jones, Charo and Mickey Rooney in Hong Kong. I can promise you that.

Ted Greenberg and Mascot Greenberg in a taxi

Thank you to “Joe Namath,” “Paper Clip,” “Jenny” and many others for making this birthday so memorable. And to Ben, Derek and Jennifer for a being such great passengers in the cab ride home. It was the perfect way to cap off another great year.

Perhaps, you will celebrate your next birthday with me at the show?

Tags: "Joe Namath", Augusta National, Birthday, Charo, Grace Jones, Hawaii, Himalayas, Kenny Kramer, line dancing, Mascot Greenberg, Mickey Rooney, New York City, SoHo Playhouse, taxi cab, Ted Greenberg, Utah

Ted Greenberg’s Top Five Taxi Entertainments

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 6, 2011

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As the writer/performer of the only Off-Broadway comedy show with a free cab ride home, I’m often asked my opinion about the portrayal of taxi drivers and taxis in movies and on television. As a taxi cab driver, I, of course, have a strong opinion on the matter.

Here’s my list for my Top 5 Taxi Entertainments:

1) Taxi Driver – Martin Scorsese’s 1976 dark film about a former Vietnam vet turned taxi driver (Robert De Niro in a groundbreaking role) inspired me to get my hack license in the 1980s. From the moment I saw this classic film, I was in awe of how the film captured Gotham’s haunting allure, especially the night scenes.

2) Women on the Verge of a Nervous Breakdown – Pedro Almodovar’s zany 1988 film features one of the most outrageous taxis in the history of the world. With a whimsical cab interior that’s equal parts Liberace and Lady Gaga, I’m not sure why anyone would ever get out of this vehicle. Last year, a musical stage adaptation of the film opened on Broadway. My childhood friend and David Letterman co-writer David Yazbek wrote the show’s music and lyrics and received a Tony Award nomination for Outstanding Score. And, the production’s taxi driver (Danny Burstein) was as hilarious and riveting as Guillermo Montesinos was in the film.

3) Night on Earth – Filmmaker Jim Jarmusch has great hair. Great white hair. The Mascot and I are NOT jealous. Not jealous at all. Mainly because he also makes really great films. His 1991 effort Night on Earth follows five cab drivers in five cities – New York, Paris, Helsinki, Los Angeles and Rome. While I wouldn’t mind having Beatrice Dalle as a passenger (she is fantastic as a blind Parisian), I’m a New Yorker at heart. Just like Jarmusch.

4) Taxi – Having been nominated twice for the Andy Kaufman Award, how can I not love the iconic TV show that starred the comic genius alongside Judd Hirsch, Marilu Henner, Danny De Vito, Tony Danza and the late Jeff Conway?

5) Friends – On the famous comedy TV show, Phoebe (Lisa Kudrow) was bequeathed a yellow cab by her grandmother. The cab was featured in the show on occasion, including a visit to Phoebe’s mom in season 3. Her mom was played by the inimitable Teri Garr, who turned in comic gold performances in Young Frankenstein, Mr. Mom and Tootsie and was a regular guest on the David Letterman show while I was a writer there. Here’s a video of Garr’s 1987 visit to Letterman: