Ted Greenberg's The Complete Performer

Starring Emmy Award winning Letterman writer, Ted Greenberg!

     
What Everyone Wants for Christmas

Categories: Latest News
Posted: December 16, 2013
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Finally, America can rest in peace. There is a pinup calendar featuring New York City taxi cab drivers. Time called it hilarious. Checking out the photos will give you the chuckles and remind you that the Big Apple is the best city on the earth.
 
yasar
 
Sure, you could get Joe Manganiello’s new book Evolution and stare at perfection every day. But, why would you do that when you can peep a cabbie with a horse head? Am I right?
 
Evolution__69125.1379948874.1280.1280
 
Yes, it’s nice to get Harry & David pears for the holidays. Particularly when you juice regularly in the morning. But, a calendar of NYC cabbies will put a smile on your face everyday. Those pears won’t do that.
 
A nice sweater from Macy’s, Bloomingdales or Saks is also welcome. It can keep you warm as the weather turns to brutal. But, this cabbie calendar will warm your heart through summer, spring, fall and winter. What’s the better gift?
 
My only quibble is I wasn’t asked to participate. I drive a cab every Saturday night after my 10 pm comedy show–Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer. I guess there is always next year.



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Taxi Tip Thursday: Share a New York City Cab This Holiday Season

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 22, 2011
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Ted Greenberg taxi driver

 

TAXI TIP THURSDAY: Cab Sharing

 

New York Taxi Cab
 
In my spare time as Ted Greenberg, Off-Broadway comedy delight, I drive a New York City cab. This holiday season when cabs are scarce, try sharing.  It saves money and frustration — and, the extra bodies will absorb shock in case of collision.
 
Here are some tips:
 
FINDING A FELLOW RIDER
 
If no sharing stations are in sight, scout partners on your own.  Look for signs of money; a Marc Jacobs bag, Mark Jacobs himself, or even better, Uma Thurman; avoid police officers and anyone else who might be carrying pepper spray.
 
Marc Jacobs and Uma Thurman
 
 THE APPROACH
 
If you see someone you want to ride with, be direct. Grab them by the shoulders, say, “Clear eyes, full hearts can’t lose” and “Upper West Side!” If they motion to flee, show them this blog post.

 

 BACK-SEAT RAPPORT
 
Once you hail a cab, don’t tell anyone your social security number, no matter how much you want to or how many guns they are pointing at you. If things get hairy back there, remember under the driver’s seat is usually a baseball bat.
 
Social Security Card
 
AWKWARD SMALL TALK
 
If a person is jabbering about one thing or the other, it’s ok to say, “Driver would you please pull over? “ And push them out of the car.
 
And finally:
 
PRICE NEGOTIATION
 
The best tactic is to get out at your stop, wish them a Merry Christmas, and yell “I’ll get the next one!”



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Taxi Tip Thursday: How To Hail a NYC Cab During the Holidays

Categories: Taxi Cabs
Posted: December 15, 2011
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TAXI TIP: HOLIDAY HAILING

 
New York City cabs in winter

 
In my spare time as Ted Greenberg, Off-Broadway comedy superstar, I drive a New York City cab.  When holiday cab hailing poses a challenge, follow these tips and you’ll be on your way to the Rockefeller Center Christmas Tree or your favorite destination in a New York minute.

 
TAKE IT TO THE TARGET. While hailing with one hand and waving a $100 bill with the other, run into traffic shouting “I’m an enormous tipper.”

 
TEAM WORK. One of your group hails. The other diverts other hailers– i.e, puts on a Santa costume and invites the other hailers to join in Christmas caroling. No friends to help out?  Grab a homeless guy for Santa duty.  Or perhaps, my Mascot (seen in the video below) will be available.

 

 

SURPRISE ATTACK FROM THE SKY. Your partner hails.  You take an aerial position on a second floor balcony or awning. At a red light ambush your prey by jumping from above. While splayed across the windshield, yell “Unlock the doors you elusive bastard” while your partner (aka good cop) daintily enters.  To clear the air, apologize in broken English and point to a Michelin guide book.

 
TAXI SURROGATES! If after 24 hours, cab hailing fails – try these back-up plans:
 
New York City pedicab, hot dog vendor and fire truck
 
—  Collapse on the street and ask onlookers to call 911 for an EMERGENCY MEDICAL VEHICLE.

 
—  If after 1 hour above doesn’t work, light yourself on fire and ask onlookers to call 911 for a FIRE TRUCK.

 
—  PEDICABS (aka Flintstone cabs) are loosely regulated and therefore ideal for large groups (they take up to 99 passengers). Essentially HAIL–able buses. Pedicab drivers welcome an aerobic challenge.

 
— OTHER PEDESTRIANS are piggybackable! Target large parents. That Snuggie is your backseat.

 
—  HOT DOG VENDOR CARTS are a movable feast and tailor made for downhill routes.

 
—  BICYCLE MESSENGERS. Just hop on! Best case, a cab hits the bike and you can take that cab.

 
And remember, however you catch that ride, tell the driver one stop will be Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer, a mostly one-man comedy show.

 
Any questions, I love’em.

 
Any cab hailing suggestions? Send them along. Favorite suggestion wins 2 free tickets to the show.

 
Check back next week for another Taxi Tip Thursday.



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BUT TICKETS!




 



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