Ted Greenberg's The Complete Performer

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Mascot Greenberg Ranks The Worst Major League Baseball Mascots

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Posted: July 9, 2012
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For those who have followed my show Ted Greenberg’s The Complete Performer recently, you will have notice that my trusty sidekick, Mascot Greenberg, has morphed from a one-emotion, happy go lucky guy to a more nuanced cohort — displaying up to three emotions in one night. Now, that he’s broken out of simply cheering for everyone and everything and in honor of the upcoming Major League Baseball All Star Game, Mascot asked if he could take over the blog for one day.
 
And he asked for a good reason. To rank the worst mascots in the majors. Those who go down without swinging. You see, Mascot is proud of his job, and takes to heart his job. He knows a team (or performer) needs a great mascot — one with mad dance or athletic skills and the ability to improv on the fly. Without further adieu, I hand Mascot Greenberg the floor.
 
THE FIVE WORST BASEBALL MASCOTS or REALLY YOU COULD NOT HAVE DONE BETTER? BY MASCOT GREENBERG
 
5) Mettle the Mule (New York Mets). The 1970s inspired some of the dumbest decisions of humankind (polyester, disco,), but who can forget the lame attempt by the Amazins to sell the greatest city on earth on a mule? A MULE? A real mule named Mettle. Mr. Met is bad enough — innocuous, silly, but at least he’s not a mule.
 
mettle the mule
 
4) Billy The Marlin (Miami) — A fish with arms. Are you kidding me? Is there too much mercury in the water surrounding Miami? This mascot is just not a pretty sight. If I saw him in person, I would run in the opposite direction. And fast.
 
Billy the Marlin
 
3) Captain (Texas Rangers). This horse is the worst word you can call a mascot: boring. The costume isn’t innovative, lacking panache. It’s not weird like Cincinnati’s Gapper — whatever it is. But, at least when you leave Great American Ball Park, you cannot stop wondering about Gapper. The same cannot be said about the bland horse.
 
Texas Rangers Mascot
 
2) The Pierogis (Pittsburgh) — It’s been said that imitation is the best form of flattery. Not in this case. These male and female pierogis are a blatant ripoff of the much superior Milwaukee Sausages. Oh, Pittsburgh, it’s not a good idea to be outmatched, outclassed and preceded by Milwaukee. But, you did it with this lame idea. Pierogis? Who wants to see the doughy creatures make it around the bases?
 
pierogis
 
1) Lefty and Righty (Boston) — Isn’t Wally bad enough? These two red socks — again with arms — leave a lot to be desired. Nobody wants to cheer on a sock. We like animals, people, heck, even vegetables. But, socks? No thank you. Now, I am a tried and true New Yorker and fan of the Yankees, but still there’s no excuse. Just another reason to hate the Red Sox.
 
lefty and right



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